God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
