I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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