so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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