Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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