it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
