Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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