He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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