I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
