Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
