worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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