I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
