I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
