I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
