I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Randomize
