yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
