my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
