just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
