youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
