I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize