If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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