I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
