Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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