I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
