my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
