Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
