mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
