I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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