dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I bet he comes in French.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
