You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
