i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
