4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize