Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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