Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
