every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
