Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
