Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
