im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
