They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
