if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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