Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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