I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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