so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
