i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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