Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
