Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
