two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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