i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
