Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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