remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
