You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
