My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
