just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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