Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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