Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
