I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
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