Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
