he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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