There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
