plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
