Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
