I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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